When I was pregnant with my son, my daughter could hardly wait for her sibling to arrive. She asked me (almost every day) when her brother was going to be here. “I think she’s excited by the idea of having a sibling,” I’d say to those who asked how she was feeling. “Who knows how she’ll be once he’s actually here!” I had heard from opposite ends of the spectrum: parents who said their oldest was obsessed with the new baby and others who said it was a nightmare. Regardless, I remained hopeful that it would be an easy transition and my children would quickly become best buds. In the meantime, we read books, had many discussions, looked at sonograms, visited real babies and practiced with fake babies to prepare her as best we could. Only time would tell how our situation would pan out.
Then reality sunk in when my daughter came to visit her baby brother in the hospital for the first time. He was no longer a big lump in Mommy’s tummy and an idea in her head. He was real and here to stay! In the weeks and months to follow, it’s been journey (for all of us). As I learn to adjust to caring for two children, my daughter is learning to contend with another cute-faced, attention-grabber. There are sweet moments between them when I could cry with joy and then, like a flip of a switch, I’m pulling them apart in fear that someone will get hurt.
As someone who grew up with three siblings, I know what it feels like to compete for attention. I also know how grateful I am for built-in friends for life. However, I don’t think we’d all be as close as we are today, if our parents hadn’t facilitated those relationships.
In the present, my kids still have great days, good days and terrible days, but I believe we're taking some steps in the right direction. Here are six ways I am fostering a stronger sibling bond between my children:
Give them space: As much as I would love to see my children play together harmoniously every waking moment, it’s just not realistic. Especially while they are young and in different places developmentally, they need time to play separately, to learn and grow in their own way. Forcing them to share the same space all the time, will only cause more conflict.
Talk it out: Take the time to get to the root of the problem, to find a solution that works for everyone. Especially when your children are young, they may need some assistance communicating their needs and feelings. Unless something more serious is going on, the fix is usually not complex. The other day my daughter said she hated her brother, only to find out it was because he was holding a toy that she wanted to play with!
Make a helper: An older sibling can be a role model, teacher and helper. Kids love knowing that they are capable and have an important part to play. My daughter is proud of her big kid achievements and loves showing her brother what she can do. Furthermore, she understands and takes seriously how her words and actions have an impact on how he learns and grows.
Reserve time with each child: Each child has their own interests, personalities and needs, so it's important to celebrate those differences during times that are reserved just for them. While my son is napping, my daughter and I will do an art project, play a game or go outside. While my daughter is having some time to herself, my son and I will have one-on-one time. Having some extra special time with mommy or daddy, decreases attention-seeking behavior and strengthens your child's self-worth, so they have a better outlook when you're time is through.
Find activities to do together: Even though their abilities are in two different places, finding things that they both can do, gives them opportunities to bond. It could be painting picture, playing peek-a-boo, making music or just being silly. Even if it's just one activity a day, it reminds them that while they are still different in many ways, they can still have fun and get along.
Don’t let praise for one child over shadow the other: It's so exciting to watch my son reach those huge milestones. However, my daughter is learning new skills, as well. Just because they are not as obvious as first words or first steps, they are skill extremely important. Make sure you're acknowledging your children equally for their accomplishments. Showing how proud you are, fuels them to do more good.
In what ways do you facilitate a stronger sibling bond?
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